I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
