Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just gift wrapped bread.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
