i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
