There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have aggressive nipples.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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