Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
