Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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