When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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