Only a mothe r could love this liver
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
