dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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