Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
