I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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