Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize