there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
