My first STD was from a foam party
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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