he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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