Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
