Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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