I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
