I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
