Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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