I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
