im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
