btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
