I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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