The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
