Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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