Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
