Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
