explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
