Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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