I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
