Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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