If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
