saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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