I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
