I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He has the fingertips of a God
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