I think im going to throw up on grandma
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
