Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
