this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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