I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
