i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize