yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
