Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize