6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
