his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
