If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
