Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
