I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
