Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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