I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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