A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize