god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
