i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
