How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
