We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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