it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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