I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
