Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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