Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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