Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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