drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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