my mouth tastes like poor choices
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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